i honestly feel that by the end of this holiday i will sink into depression. as it is, i haven't felt much excitement in my life for some time now. things that i liked to do or enjoyed doing don't appeal to me that much anymore. for example, listening to music, attending a concert or playing soccer. i used to feel a stir in my heart before going for soccer, like my heart was very light and there were butterflies in it. it used to be an escape for me and i couldn't wait to play it. and even attending a concert, i would be restless the night before but now playing soccer is like a chore to me and the last concert i went for was just... a concert. i did not feel the euphoria that i have felt before during other concerts.

i don't know why i am feeling this way but i know i have been feeling this way for a long time. furthermore, i decided not to work this holiday so technically i'll be home the whole day everyday. i'll definitely go mad.

maybe i just need something new and exciting in my life. something i have never felt before, like a spark of emotions. i'm not depressed enough to kill myself (i'm not that dumb to do so) so i feel i have hope in me. something or someone needs to reignite it. i can start spamming driving lessons and gym. but i doubt it is enough to bring back the spark.

so yeah, hopefully i'll survive this holiday and keep my sanity. i don't wanna end up like bo mun (no offense man). but yeah, got to figure something out.

peace.

i don't know why i can't see my own post, it just stops halfway. like someone correction taped it. in case you can't see it as well, here it is (it continues from the part that says, "therefore i think it's nonsensical to keep grudges too.") :

i feel that the stuff happening in school is getting way out of hand. i told myself to distance myself from it cause i don't want to deal with drama anymore, but i don't think i can because it's happening to the people closest to me.

hmm, where do i start? alright, i have a totally new perspective of life now and i feel that life's too short to make the smallest, the most retarded and the most meaningless things affect you. i don't think that's what you should worry about. there are definitely much bigger things to worry about than being popular or why this person hates me.

therefore, i think it's nonsensical to keep grudges too.


pris, i think you should just start caring less. the less you care the less drama you'll get into. and with less drama, i believe you'll be able to do your work better. and just forget about the past and pretend like nothing happen. it's not worth it remembering the past. your eyes are in front of you for a reason. 


and teesh, just sit down and really think of the extent this has blown up to. to be honest, i think the remaining 4 people from MLB are the ones that will stick with you now, no one else. you've burn too many bridges and left a bad impression on basically everyone who knows what happened. i think it's impossible for you to salvage good relations now. all you can do now is just try to put a stop to it. like i said, this shouldn't have happened in the first place.


it's just not worth it fighting or arguing with anyone anymore. you're life might just end tomorrow and would you even die happy if you're angry all day? this issue is not a small problem but it's not that big as well compared to the universe. IT IS JUST NOT WORTH.


my birthday is coming and i really really wish for the fighting to stop. we're not MLB anymore, i think everyone knows that. so can i make a request that for my birthday, i want us all to put everything behind and be normal again. just this i wish for. not that hard to do i feel.

to the old you, i want you back.

haha i never learn do i? woke up early for nothing. waited for about 3 hours for nothing. thought you'll show up, but no. this has happened one too many times that i'm immune to it. chances given, none taken, so no fucks given.

anyhow

too many people have been telling me that i'm serious and need to smile more. honestly speaking i think i smile a lot when i'm with my friends and since i'm with them all the time, i think i smile all the time.

maybe when y'all say that i'm serious and not smiling is when i'm walking alone. well duh, i'm not gonna be smiling and laughing to myself would i? that would make me a complete retard. tsk, i'm not ranting even though i may sound like i am.

but anyways, i think i should really smile more since so many think that way. maybe i'll attract more people that way cause i won't look so mean. haha will give it a try then :D

adios.

ash, you told yourself you won't get affected.

my feelings are getting a better of me. so confused right now. on one hand, i'm ok letting you go and waiting for the right time. but on the other hand, it so hard not to get jealous.